Jokes from Beyond Famous Bill Gates Quotes "There won't be anything we won't say to people to try and convince them that our way is the way to go." Interviewer: "Is studying computer science the best way to prepare to be a programmer?" Gates: "No, the best way to prepare is to write programs, and to study great programs that other people have written. In my case, I went to the garbage cans at the Computer Science Center and I fished out listings of their operating system." "If you don't know what you need Windows NT for, you don't need it." Stupid Questions to Park Rangers Carlsbad Caverns National Park How much of the cave is underground? So what's in the unexplored part of the cave? Does it ever rain in here? How many Ping-Pong balls would it take to fill this up? So what is this -- just a hole in the ground? Mesa Verde National Park Did people build this, or did Indians? Why did they build the ruins so close to the road? What did they worship in the kivas -- their own made-up religion? Do you know of any undiscovered ruins? Why did the Indians decide to live in Colorado? Grand Canyon National Park Was this man-made? Do you light it up at night? I bought tickets for the elevator to the bottom -- where is it? Is the mule train air conditioned? So where are the faces of the presidents? Quotes About Computers and Software "Walking on water and developing software from a specification are easy if both are frozen."   - Edward V. Bernard, "Life-Cycle Approaches" "An idiot with a computer is a faster, better idiot"   - Rich Julius On the Internet, nobody knows you're a dog.   - cartoon in the New Yorker C makes it easy to shoot yourself in the foot. C++ makes it harder, but when you do, it blows away your whole leg."   - Bjarne Stroustrup Classified Classics Lost: small apricot poodle. Reward. Neutered. Like one of the family. A superb and inexpensive restaurant. Fine food expertly served by waitresses in appetizing forms. Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00. For sale: a quilted high chair that can be made into a table, pottie chair, rocking horse, refrigerator, spring coat, size 8 and fur collar. Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it. Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children. Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink. 3-year-old teacher need for pre-school. Experience preferred. Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again.

Real Church Bulletins This afternoon there will be a meeting in the south and north ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends. Thursday at 5PM there will be a meeting of the little mothers club. All ladies wishing to be little mothers please meet with the pastor in his study. This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Johnson to come forward and lay an egg at the alter. The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind and they may be seen in the church basement on Friday afternoon. A bean supper will be held on Saturday evening in the church basement. Music will follow. Tonight's sermon: What is hell? Come early and listen to our choir practice. Don't let worry kill you off -- let the church help. Redneck National Anthem If you think the last three words of the national anthem are "Start your Engines," then you might be a redneck. Metric Aliens How do we know that aliens use the metric system? I've never heard a space creature say "Take me to your quart." Signs in the USA Outside a country shop - "We buy junk and sell antiques." In a Tacoma, Washington men's clothing store - "15 men's wool suits - $100 - They won't last an hour!" On a long established New Mexico dry cleaning store - "Thirty-eight years on the same spot." In the vestry of a New England church - "Will the last person to leave please see that the perpetual light is extinguished" In a New York medical building - "Mental Health Prevention Center" In a clothing store - "Wonderful bargains for men with 16 and 17 necks." In a New Hampshire jewelry store - "Ears pierced while you wait." In a New York restaurant - "Customers who find our waitresses rude ought to see the manager." In the offices of a loan company - "Ask about our plans for owning your home." At a number of US military bases - "Restricted to unauthorized personnel." In the window of an Oregon general store - "Why go elsewhere to be cheated, when you can come here?" In a Pennsylvania cemetery - "Persons are prohibited from picking flowers from any but their own graves." Insurance Claims The following are actual statements found on insurance forms where car drivers attempted to summarize the details of an accident in the fewest words. The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intentions. I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way. I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment. In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole. I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection, a hedge sprang up, obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car. I had been driving for 40 years when I feel asleep at the wheel and had an accident. I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident. I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident. The pedestrian had no idea which direction to run so I ran over him I saw a slow moving, sad faced old gentlemen as he bounced off the hood of my car. The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth. The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out of its way when it struck my front end. Special thanks to the following web sites for these winning words of wit: http://www.danielsen.com/jokes.shtml http://www.pnx.com/chomp/jokes.html http://www.jokeaday.com/ Comments? Suggestions? Jokes to contribute? Please e-mail us at CritterPeople@CritterCards.com